


yer a monster fucker, harry

by exarite



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fake Marriage, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Monster Fucker Harry, Reformed Voldemort, Talk about hemipenis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-11-07 03:50:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17953061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exarite/pseuds/exarite
Summary: Voldemort suggests they fake a relationship.It's a reasonable suggestion, so of course Harry says yes.Or:Harrymort Fake Dating AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is half to celebrate my acceptance of being a monster fucker, and half for dory so she feels better <3
> 
> unbeta'ed!!

"Okay, I understand why we need to work together," Harry says slowly. He closes his eyes and then opens them to give Voldemort a suspicious, narrow-eyed look. "What I don't understand is why we need to pretend we're in a relationship."

"Because," Voldemort reasons, "No one will believe we're working together if they don’t see why."

"And you think people will believe that we're working together…because we're in love," Harry says. He's lost. Honestly and truly.

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Voldemort sniffs as he straightens out his Daily Prophet paper. "We're merely boyfriends. Who said anything about love?"

"Boyfriends."

"Are you deaf, Potter?" Voldemort asks, annoyed, and Harry gapes at him, mouth opening and closing soundlessly.

"Are _you_ serious?"

"Lord Voldemort is always serious," Voldemort says, eyeing him from above the paper. He raises it, blocking Harry from view and effectively ending the conversation. Harry wants to fucking _scream_.

Then Voldemort lowers his paper again, and casually adds, "The sheep won't like it if they think you're only going along with things as my Horcrux. Better my boyfriend than my Horcrux."

"Can you please…" Harry says, covering his face as he groans. "Please. Don't call me your boyfriend. I don't _ever_ want to hear boyfriend come out of your mouth again."

"Lover," Voldemort suggests, and Harry makes a mortified noise, his face heating. That was worse!

"Partner!" he hisses, and Voldemort nods graciously.

"Good enough, I suppose."

 

*

 

"You're…dating Voldemort," Ron says slowly.

"Fake dating," Harry corrects, frowning. "Get it right, please Ron. And I prefer _partner_ and not boyfriend, while you're at it."

Ron leans back into his chair and looks at Hermione helplessly, but she only shrugs and gives him a look. _'I don't fucking know either'_ , her face says. Harry ignores them.

"Are you…fake kissing as well?" Ron asks tentatively, making a face.

"Of course not," Harry says, giving Ron a confused look. Ron deflates, sighing in relief, and Harry carelessly continues, "We're obviously kissing for real."

Ron chokes and Hermione pats his back. Harry smiles at them.

"You're fucking hopeless, mate," Ron groans.

 

*

 

“This is my horc—boyf—partner,” Voldemort says. He smiles, too many teeth and honestly fucking _terrifying_ , and claps Harry’s shoulder, pulling him to his side.

Harry’s eyebrow twitches, and he forces a wide smile on his lips, matching Voldemort’s in its intensity.

“Yes,” he says tightly. “His _partner._ Nice to meet you.”

"…Yes," the Muggle Prime Minister echoes. He gives them an odd, disturbed look and slowly backs away.

"Do you think it's because I'm 19 and you're 70-something?" Harry asks, watching him power walk away. Running, actually, would be a more appropriate descriptor. "Or do you think it's because you're half-snake?"

"It's probably because we're both men," Voldemort says sagely.

"You're right," Harry agrees, nodding. "That's probably it."

 

*

 

"I don't think this is working out," Harry says blandly and Voldemort looks up at him.

"Are you breaking up with me?" he asks, and Harry splutters, reeling away to give him a look of shock.

"What?" he says, "no! We're not even—"

"Is this a proposal then?" Voldemort continues, unbothered, expression placid. "Maybe marriage is more believable than us being boyfriends."

"Uh." Harry's mouth opens. He closes it with a snap. Voldemort smiles at him. Harry _really_ should teach him how to smile properly. The amount of bottom teeth in that smile is frankly unnatural. He makes a note to add it to their Redemption Tutoring, right after proper conversation topics that don't include Muggle slavery or torturing techniques.

"I'm glad you brought this up," Voldemort says solemnly. "I have prepared for this very moment."

Wordlessly, he summons a thick stack of documents and it lands with a solid thunk in the table between them.

"I don’t want to know what that is," Harry groans, covering his face. He deeply wants to rethink the life choices he's made that have led to this. He really should have let Voldemort kill him that day.

A pause. They stare at each other, neither of them giving in.

"What is it?" Harry finally relents.

"My prenup, of course," Voldemort smirks. "Can't have you running off with my hard-earned Galleons, can we?"

Harry's eyebrows shoot up all the way to his hairline and he gapes at Voldemort.

"You live in your followers' homes," he says.

"I do."

"You don't even wear _shoes_."

"I don't."

"Between you and me," Harry says loudly, rising up to his full height. Not very impressive, but still, Harry tries. "I'm the one who needs a prenup here, you–you–you  _gold digger_!"

"Of course," Voldemort says, nodding easily. He doesn't even sound insulted. He doesn't even threaten to  _Crucio_  Harry for once! 

(He really is improving, Harry thinks proudly.) 

Voldemort waves his wand again and another stack of suspiciously prepared papers appears beside the first one. "Already done. You should be thankful that Lord Voldemort is very generous and kind."

Harry stares at the papers.

"It would be a waste not to look at them," Voldemort prods, and Harry sighs.

"Fine," he relents.

 

*

 

"Why does it say… _Lord Voldemort_  …on our  _marriage certificate_?" Harry asks, voice strained and steadily increasing in pitch.

"Because. That's what's on my birth certificate."

"Er, no?" Harry says in disbelief, gaping at the other man. "I think I would know. I'm pretty sure your birth certificate says—"

Voldemort raises an eyebrow and gives him a Look before That Name can even pass through his lips. Harry closes his mouth.

"Check it," Lord Voldemort says, voice cool as he lifts his chin. He raises his non-existent eyebrows. "I dare you."

Harry checks. It _does_ say Lord Voldemort.

"Who did you threaten?" He can't help but ask, and Voldemort only smiles at him. He's getting better at it, Harry has to admit. He pats himself on the back. He can probably take out _smiling practice_ from their schedule now.

"No one. Who do you think I am?"

"…an evil Dark Lord?"

"That's a slur," Voldemort says seriously, disappointed. Harry feels strangely chastised. "I'm reformed. I prefer misunderstood."

 

*

 

"Can you explain to me again how cooperating with Voldemort led to the two of you getting married?" Hermione asks. "Slower, this time."

"Well," Harry says patiently for the nth time. He puts down his cup of tea. "He said that people would fall for it if they thought we were boyfriends. But then people didn't believe us, so obviously, we had to get married."

"Yeah," Hermione says dubiously. " _Obviously_."

"I'm glad you understand now," Harry says earnestly.

Hermione opens her mouth and then closes it. She sighs and covers her face.

"You know what?" she says. She brushes off the crumbs from their weekly tea time biscuits and stands up, smile strained. "You're right. I think I _do_ understand now."

"That's great," Harry replies, smiling, and Hermione holds up her hand, cutting him off.

"You're a monster fucker, Harry."

Harry chokes, wheezing, his face flaming up.

"I'm not!" Harry lies vehemently. "What–Why–Why would you even think that? This whole thing was his idea and I'm just going along with it!"

Hermione only raises an eyebrow.

"We haven't even had sex!" Harry adds mournfully. He very deliberately doesn't pout.

" _Yet_ ," Hermione says. Harry feels his face heat.

"You think so?" he asks and Hermione coughs.

"Harry, if you show up naked in front of him, I'm a hundred percent sure I won't see you until the end of the week."

Harry makes a thoughtful sound at that and Hermione freezes.

“ _Harry_ ,” she says, alarmed. “That was not a suggestion.”

“Wasn’t it?” Harry asks.

“Harry, please tell me you aren’t going to seduce Lord Voldemort.”

“I’m not going to seduce Voldemort,” Harry says promptly.

He's totally going to.

 

*

 

"…Have you forgotten to put on clothes?" Voldemort asks blandly, his face impassive. Harry deflates from his lounging position, carefully chosen to achieve maximum seduction potential.

"Is this not working for you?" he asks in disappointment, motioning towards the rose petals and the candles. He really did work hard on that. He sits up and frowns. "I really did think this would work."

"You should have just asked," Voldemort continues as he starts to peel off his clothes. Harry freezes, his eyes widening in pleased disbelief. "Lord Voldemort is generous and benevolent."

"Stop with the third person," Harry says, laying back on the bed. He can't stop himself from grinning. "The only one saying your name tonight will be me."

"Ambitious," Voldemort says approvingly. Harry laughs.

"Thanks. Learned from the best."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> er, pls note rating change 😂 lots of sexual talk but no actual sex. voldemort's hemipenis is mentioned.

"Look, I'm just saying," Harry says, waving his hand. "What's better than one treacle tart?"

"Uh," Ron says.

" _Two_ treacle tarts," Harry answers for him and nods. "So, logically, what's better than one penis?"

"Harry, if you even say—"

"Two penises!" Harry says loudly over his protests.

"For the _last time_ , Harry!" Hermione snaps. She throws her napkin in front of them and stands up. "Voldemort's hemipenis is _not_ an appropriate dinner topic!"

 

*

 

“Hermione and Ron banned me from their house,” Harry complains. He shuffles over to where Voldemort is seated on his favorite armchair, and promptly drops to his knees. He buries his face on Voldemort's firm thigh and sighs.

“And why is that?” Voldemort asks. He runs his cool hand through Harry’s hair.

“Because, quote-unquote, I keep talking about your hemipenis,” Harry complains, voice muffled. “Can you believe them?”

Voldemort’s hand abruptly stops in its petting. Harry whimpers as Voldemort's grip tightens before his face is tilted up.

Voldemort's eyes are narrowed into slits, and Harry feels his dick twitch in interest. Damn it.

“Why are you talking about my penis?”

“—es,” Harry corrects. “Penises.”

Voldemort’s nonexistent eyebrow twitches. “Why,” he asks, tone dark, “are you talking about my penises?”

“Oh no,” Harry says mournfully. “Please don’t kick me out of the house too.”

“I won’t,” Voldemort promises, almost kindly, and Harry grins. “But you’re sleeping on the sofa tonight.”

“What!” Harry gasps, aghast, and falls back on his arse as Voldemort stands.

“Keep our sex life out of your conversation topics,” Voldemort orders lazily.

 

*

 

"I just…I find it so hard to fight against Voldemort," Harry confides lowly. Beside him, Neville nods in understanding.

"I get it," he says and pats Harry on the shoulder. "It must be so hard when he's—“

"—so damn _sexy_ , yes, exactly!" Harry says, voice hot with fervor.

Neville blinks. "…That actually…wasn't what I was going to say."  
  
"I mean, his deathly pale skin? His lack of nose?" Harry swoons. "How can anyone even raise a wand against him?"

"…Pretty easily, actually."

"I'm so glad you understand, Neville," Harry gushes. Neville opens his mouth to say _no, no I don't understand_ , but at Harry's beam he pauses.

He sighs.

"Sure, Harry."

 

 *

 

“I really don’t understand how you can be attracted to Voldemort.”

“So were you!” Harry says defensively, and Ginny gapes at him.

“First of all, I was 11. Second, that was when he was Tom Riddle and hot, thank you very much.”

“That’s how he gets to you,” Harry confides, nodding sagely.

“And third,” Ginny continues loudly, raising her finger, “that was before I knew he was Voldemort.”

“Hermione says it’s because Harry’s a monster fucker,” Ron says seriously.

“I’m not!” Harry protests. At everyone’s blank looks, he amends, “It’s just Voldemort, really.”

A dreamy look passes through his face. “His forked tongue, the hint of scales, his hem—“

“ _Harry_!”

Harry’s mouth closes with a snap. He smiles at Hermione sheepishly.

“So,” Ginny muses. “If Voldemort was like, an actual Naga, would you—?”

“That exists?” Harry asks, straightening up, his eyes lighting in interest.

“Oh, _Merlin_ ,” Ron mutters. “Damn it, Ginny.”

 

*

 

“If you’re going to dump me for an actual Naga, please let me know ahead of time.”

“I’m not,” Harry appeases, draping himself over Voldemort’s lap. “You’re the only snake man for me.”

He looks up and tentatively smiles. “Are you still mad at me?”

Voldemort’s lips thin. “Are you still talking about my penises?”

“No,” Harry lies.

“Then I suppose not.” Voldemort pulls him up, and Harry grins. He plants an enthusiastic kiss on Voldemort’s lips, and Voldemort allows him.

Harry pulls away, hesitating. He licks his lips.

“Can we, uh, try…both your dicks inside me?”

Voldemort stares at him. “You actually want to?”

“Of course!” Harry’s _insulted_. “What’s the point of two if you’re only going to use one?”

“Reckless Gryffindor,” Voldemort says. He almost sounds fond.

*

 

“Wow, I can’t believe it’s only been a month since Harry’s admitted he was a monster fucker.”

"What can I say? Once you go monster, you can never go—“ Harry pauses.

“What? You can never go _what_?” Ginny asks. She sounds like she’s dreading the answer.

“I don’t know,” Harry muses. “I don’t know what rhymes with monster.”

“Lobster?” Luna serenely suggests.

“Ah yes,” Harry says sarcastically. “That’s totally what I was going for. Once you go monster, you can never go lobster.”

“I like it,” Ginny grins. She slaps him on the shoulder. “That’s your new motto, monster fucker.”

“No,” Harry groans. “I did not agree to that.”

"You know what _we_ didn't agree to?" Ginny asks, and Harry frowns at her.

"What?"

"Having to hear about Voldemort's dicks."

"I stopped!" Harry protests. He pauses. "I've  _cut_   _down_ , at least, jeez. Give me a break."

 

*

 

“Are you going to shag a lobster now?” Voldemort asks over the morning paper.

“What?” Harry asks, gaping. “No! Who even— _Ginny_.”

“First a snake, now a lobster? You’ve reached new lows, Harry.”

Harry’s jaw falls open. “ _You’re_ the one I’m shagging! You can’t say that!”

“Am I?” Voldemort asks, tone casual. “No Nagas for you, then?”

“Oh,” Harry says meaningfully. He leans back, and raises an eyebrow. “You’re still jealous, aren’t you?”

“No.”

“You are,” Harry says, delighted. He grins and pushes the plates and glasses out of the way on the table. He hops up and sits down. “Come here, husband, give me your dicks.”

Voldemort’s lip twitches. Slowly, he puts down his paper.

“If I must.”

 

*

 

“I have a new theory as to why people are so uncomfortable with us," Voldemort suddenly brings up. Harry looks up from Voldemort's latest Redemption Test and blinks.

"Really?" he asks curiously. "Please share." 

Voldemort motions to the test paper in Harry's hand. Harry glances down. 

_What is your opinion on Muggles?_

_ok._

(Huge improvement, Harry happily thinks.)

"You're my teacher," Voldemort says solemnly. "You're meant to be helping me learn how to be a Good Person, and you took advantage of my vulnerable state."

"I—what?" Harry gapes. "Your _vulnerable_ state?"

"Student-teacher relationships are frowned upon," Voldemort continues. "I trusted you and you seduced me." 

"I did _not_ sedu—"

Voldemort simply gives him a Look, and Harry falters. 

"Okay, fine, I did seduce you, but you _liked_  it!" 

Voldemort looks away, and deliberately pages through his copy of Harry's _'How To Be a Good Person: Dark Lord Edition.'_

"According to Chapter 5, that's victim bla—"

"Oh, shut up."

 

*

 

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" the nameless person sneers. "You're fucking the Dark Lord."

"Actually," Harry says, "he's fucking me."

Silence. 

"He's evil."

“Excuse me.” Harry glares. "He prefers _misunderstood_ , thanks."

 

*

 

"You know, I've been wondering what my parents would think of us."

"You have a resurrection stone," Voldemort tells him flatly.

"No, I don’t. I threw it away," Harry corrects.

Voldemort closes his eyes. He exhales noisily. "You threw away one of the Hallows. The resurrection stone."

"Yeah, the Elder Wand too."

"You're impossible," Voldemort says. "You destroyed Ravenclaw's diadem, Hufflepuff's cup, Slytherin's locket, and now you inform me you threw away two of the Hallows."

"Yeah, that sounds right," Harry agrees.

"You're literally the worst person ever," Voldemort says seriously.

Harry's eyebrows raise all the way up to his forehead. He says nothing, only gives Voldemort a look full of disbelief.

"…Second worst person ever," Voldemort amends, and Harry grins.

"You love me," he says, and leans in to kiss Voldemort on the cheek.

Voldemort sighs. "I don't. I really don't."

"Are you sure?" Harry wheedles, sidling in close to wrap his arms around Voldemort's waist.

"Yes."

"Do you at least," Harry pitches his voice low, leaning up to whisper in Voldemort's ear, " _like_ me?"

Voldemort covers his face. To Harry's utter delight, his pale, pale skin tinges with just the hint of red. "Don’t try to push it."

"You do!" Harry laughs, and Voldemort lets out a frustrated breath.

"Brat." He peeks at Harry and scowls. "I'm only going to say it once. Never again."

Harry leans in eagerly, and Voldemort smirks.

"I tolerate you."

"Oh, wow," Harry groans, rocking back. "Fine. It’s okay. I love you enough for the both of us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was just supposed to be a oneshot, but i couldn't resist 😂 starting and ending march with monster fucker harry ✌️ i think im done now, i just need to write an actual smut fic with monster fucker harry 🤔

**Author's Note:**

> my other harrymort fic is dark af, so here!! have something short and fun.
> 
> i'm on [tumblr](exarite.tumblr.com) uwu


End file.
